


How can I resist (when it feels like this)

by abucketofwigs



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, accepting yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 03:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20369851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abucketofwigs/pseuds/abucketofwigs
Summary: “Why not? The whole school votes on it, and you’re like the most popular girl in school.” She folds her arms on the table, leans forward, “Everyone knows who Alyssa Greene is.”That hits Alyssa. Everyone at school knows who she is, sure, but no one really knows her.





	How can I resist (when it feels like this)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so I just wanted to say right off the bat that there is a slur in this work, and if that turns you away from reading it I completely understand. I also just want to say that this fic is my baby and I have been trying to finish it for months. I also wasn't going to post it, but I need to let it go and never look at it again because if I do it might make me sick?? Okay, anyway this is really just a lot of words based on Alyssa's journey to loving herself because wow is her journey in the musical beautifully done. I went to the closing show of it and I just felt like I had to finish this. But yeah, thanks for reading and have a good day!
> 
> Also, the title is from the song "Feels like this" by Maisie Peters

Alyssa Greene is six years old when her father leaves. 

Later in life she’ll wish she were younger; that way she can’t remember how she has his smile and dark eyes. That way she won’t remember how they once sung songs from _ Aladdin _ together on Friday nights in their small living room. 

She remembers his hands on her shoulders; too big, too heavy- almost like he was passing on the weight of the world to her. 

“I’ll see you Saturday, Baby girl.” He had promised, “Mommy and I just need some time apart right now.”

Alyssa had nodded, held her head high in that way only her mother could have taught her. 

Her father left.

Saturday came, but he didn’t. 

~

The week after her dad left Mrs. Greene put a piece of paper on the refrigerator door _ Alyssa’s goals: _

  * __Score a minimum of 30 on the ACT.__
  * _Head cheer captain by junior year._
  * _Little Miss Indiana._
  * _Homecoming queen senior year._
  * _Miss. Indiana._

Alyssa couldn’t read cursive when she was six, but she remembers that weight on her shoulders become heavier. 

~

They move to Edgewater, Indiana when Alyssa is sixteen. She watches her mom win the election for PTA president almost easily, and somehow Alyssa finds herself on the cheer squad. (Third in command according to Shelby, but Alyssa doesn’t really care about the details).

She joins every club she can: student government, the honors club, yearbook, and unfortunately debate club. Debate comes naturally to her, and she gives her Mom credit for that, but god she hates it. She doesn’t really click with anyone there, and the meetings are so boring that Alyssa would rather watch paint dry, but it looks good for college applications.

She doesn’t really click with anyone at James Madison High. Shelby and Kaylee are great, along with the rest of the cheer team, but Alyssa’s never felt more of an outcast. Sure, she sits at the popular table during lunch; gets invited to all the parties; and gets hit on by all the guys, but she still feels like she hasn’t fully connected with anyone. 

It epically sucks.

~

“Emma, you should totally cuff your pants.”

Alyssa watches Kaylee tug at Emma’s green jacket. (Alyssa’s never seen her without it). Emma pushes her glasses back up the bridge of her nose, scratches at her cheek.

“Isn’t that like an 80’s thing to do?”

Emma wrinkles her nose. Alyssa thinks it’s kind of cute. 

“It’s making a comeback.” Kaylee argues, smiling at Emma in the way Alyssa has noticed makes her blush. “Plus, it’d totally go with the halftime show theme, and the plans we have for the pep rally Friday.”

Emma rolls her eyes, “That’s because Friday is 80’s day.”

Kaylee claps her hands together. Emma jumps at the sound. Alyssa laughs.

“Alyssa,” Kaylee turns back to face her, like she just remembered that Alyssa was sitting across from her. Sometimes Kaylee and Emma disappear into their own little world together. Alyssa tries not to notice too much. “Please tell Emma that I’m totally right.”

Emma’s eyes slowly land on her. Alyssa clears her throat, takes a sip from her water bottle and shrugs.

_ Play it cool, Greene _.

“Yeah, totally. With your high tops and jacket you’d look,” Alyssa scrunches her nose, trying to access whatever part of her brain once heard something remotely close to 80’s lingo, “aces.”

Emma grins. Kaylee’s eyes light up; she turns, poking Emma’s shoulder.

“See, I told you! Put your leg up here. Let’s set this in motion.”

Emma groans but does what she’s told. Alyssa twists the lid back on her water bottle

Aces?

She’s such an idiot. 

~

So here’s the thing, Alyssa _ might _ be gay. 

She also _ might _ have a crush on Emma Nolan. 

~

In hindsight, it’s really not Alyssa’s fault that she’s, not really, crushing on Emma. Emma’s cute in that adorable awkward way that Alyssa sometimes doesn't know how to deal with. Plus, she’s nice. Like super nice in that way where it’s genuine and doesn’t feel like Emma has to try hard to be that way. She doesn’t fake it like Kaylee and Shelby sometimes do when girls’ from a ‘lower’ social clique stop them in the hall. Emma doesn’t make jokes behind anyone’s back, or complain about how annoying someone is. She’s not like that. She’s real; never acts like she’s wearing a million different masks. 

In a way Alyssa envies her. 

In another way Alyssa admires her. 

Emma’s brave. She was the only one to perform at the Thanksgiving Day Assembly without stuttering. And so what if she fumbled over a few chords? Alyssa will be the first person to say that Emma did amazing. 

(At least in her head).

Emma doesn’t even fit into the popular clique that Alyssa’s in. It’s not even the nice thing. Emma’s in the band; she plays trumpet (Alyssa thinks), and Emma’s not into all the makeup and shopping that the other girls are. Alyssa doesn’t care for it much either, but Emma’s the one who actively goes out of her way to suggest a change of plans. She’s always the first to call out Shelby and Kaylee when their going a little too far with the popular queen bee role they both think they should play. It’s also a little bit of the nice thing; Alyssa doesn’t get why Emma would want to be friends with the cheerleaders.

Sometimes Alyssa will catch herself looking at Emma before the other girl notices. Emma never looks back at her, though, her eyes are always on Kaylee. It stings a little more every time Alyssa notices. 

She doesn’t know what she would do if she caught Emma staring back at her. 

Emma’s not gay. 

Alyssa doesn’t even know what she is. 

The neighboring town is legit called Heaven like that doesn’t say enough about what views the community holds. 

Her mom’s head would explode if she were to ever date a girl. 

Alyssa still can’t help the way she wishes Emma would look back at her. 

~

“Have you finished signing up for the ACT?” Mrs. Greene looks up from her cell phone long enough to cast a stern look over her shoulder at Alyssa. 

“Not yet, counselor wasn’t in today.”

Alyssa breathes slowly. Her mom just spent the last hour and a half yelling and debating with the other concerned parents of James Madison about how ‘the sagging of jeans in unethical and sets a false and terrible image to the competing high schools around the county’, and honestly Alyssa doesn’t get how her mom can still have so much fight left in her. Alyssa’s tired, and all she did was half listen. 

“I’ll be back here in the morning to talk to that Principal about the poor excuse of staff he’s hiring…”

Mrs. Greene starts on another one of her long winded tangents that Alyssa’s been hearing since the day she was born. Alyssa sighs, falling back further from her. She tugs on the straps of her backpack, the roughness of the material reminding her that she can breathe. Her mom’s always been intense; so intense that sometimes Alyssa thinks that’s the reason her dad left. She doesn’t remember them arguing when she was a kid, mostly just remembers walking into the kitchen and them being silent. Her dad always had an apology in his eyes, and her mom always a look that cut ice through the both of them. Alyssa gets that look more now than she ever has. 

Alyssa sets her backpack in the backseat of her mom’s Toyota Camry, looking up to see Emma back out of her rusted dark green truck out of a parking spot. The Ford emblem on the front is rusted and barely there, but somehow the machine still runs. Emma smiles at her, waves. Alyssa smiles back, watches Emma pull out of the parking lot. 

“Alyssa, hurry up!”

Alyssa slams the door a little harder than she means to. 

~

That night Alyssa has her phone opened to her messages, Emma’s name typed in blue at the top. She stares at the blank message bar. What does she say?

_ Hey! _No, too eager.

_ hey. _Too basic.

Ew, creep.

_ Nice truck, Nolan _.

Alyssa groans, canceling the message before tossing her phone to the end of the bed. She’s such a mess. 

~

If there’s one thing that Alyssa loves about JMH it’s their football games. The entire town shows up to fill in the concrete home side bleachers; the student section cheers so loud that Alyssa can hear it on the end-zone furthest from them; and the James Madison High School Marching Band’s halftime shows destroys whoever their playing.

The band is mesmerizing on the field. Everyone’s in time with their steps, never missing a beat. She tries to find Emma, but loses her within the crowd of matching uniforms. Alyssa’s never seen the majorettes drop their batons, or the dance-line fall out of rhythm; their kicks are always high. 

Kaylee and Shelby cheer louder for them than the others do. Alyssa joins them because Emma’s out there and the band_ freaking _ rocks. It’s why she finds herself in a side-step dance with the other two cheerleaders, clapping along to the beat of Whitney Houston’s iconic “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”. 

“I wanna dance with you, Emma Nolan!” Kaylee yells. 

Shelby whistles loudly, and Alyssa can’t help but fall into a fit of laughter with her friends. The excitement of the moment bubbles in her chest, feeling like it may spill out of her. 

“Emma said that they’ve been practicing the new steps for weeks.” Kaylee practically skips down the hillside toward the walkway that leads in front of the bleachers. “She was so nervous about tonight.”

The excitement Alyssa felt in her chest fizzles out. 

“They’ve probably been practicing like they’re in the army or something.” She manages to say. 

Her stomach shouldn’t knot the way it does at how Kaylee talks about Emma. Kaylee hums walking faster to meet Emma by the end of the fence. Alyssa and Shelby both stop a few feet away from the pair. Alyssa tries not to stare too hard at the way Kaylee reaches out to tug at the strap of Emma’s hat. Tries not to focus on how Emma ducks her head, and the way her already red cheeks darken. 

“She’s not even subtle about it.” Shelby says, jaw clenching. 

Alyssa doesn’t know who she’s talking about. 

~

Her sheets rustle as she moves to cross her legs underneath her. It’s late. Well past the time she should be awake. She blames the dim light of her phone as the reason her eyes burn, and not the tears that are spilling out. She clicks the volume down, even though her mom would never hear it even at full volume. 

She breathes. Clicks the play icon on the screen.

“You have to accept it within yourself first. Telling people is a big deal, but their opinion means nothing if you aren’t okay with who you are. You can always make new friends, and yeah, family not agreeing with it sucks, but you’re stuck with yourself forever.” 

The girl pauses, runs her hand through her hair. There’s a softness in her eyes. This girl has been here before. She’s done exactly what Alyssa is doing; listening to other people to try and make it easier to love herself. To know that it’s possible to love herself.

“It’s like,” The girl continues, “you know you’ve accepted it when you can look yourself in the mirror and say the words. That’s how you know you’re okay with you.”

Her throat hurts from the sobs that she won’t let go. The cold of the tile floor of her bathroom numbs her feet. She flicks the light on, looks at herself in the mirror. Her hair is loose and wavy, and her mom will be forcing her to get a haircut soon. Her eyes are dark and red from crying, and so much like her father’s that it only makes her want to cry more. She grips the edge of the sink, knuckles white. 

She can do this. She is okay with it. This is her. This is who she is. 

The more she stares in the mirror the more the words get stuck in her throat. She opens her mouth; closes it; opens it again. 

The words don’t come. They might never.

Alyssa turns the lights out and walks back to her room. She’s never felt worse about herself before now. 

~

Alyssa holds tighter to her Bible on Sunday. 

Prays longer during the altar call. 

She blinks back tears and pushes down the guilt that builds in her stomach. 

She can’t be this way. 

She can’t. 

~

Quiet laughs fill the bathroom, the sound of sink water running almost overtaking them. Alyssa rubs hard at the now brown stain on her cheerleading uniform. The paper towel frays, just making things worse. Her mom’s going to kill her. 

“How did you even do that?”

Alyssa sighs, taking the newly offered wet paper towel from Emma. The other girl smiles, calming Alyssa. 

“I have no idea.” She answers.

Emma laughs, “Well, it was incredible.”

The butterflies erupt in her stomach, but Alyssa ignores them.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Emma nods, passes her another paper towel, “I didn’t even know that peanut brittle could explode.”

Alyssa laughs; feeling less like crying.

“There’s a first for everything.” She tosses the last paper towel in the trash, turning the water off. The brown stain on the white of her uniform is ugly and noticeable from afar. If her mom really doesn’t kill her then Kaylee and Shelby definitely will. “This is the worst! I completely failed lab today, and now my uniform is ruined.”

She sighs, smoothing her hand over the top of her head. She’s too tired for this.

“Here, just wear my jacket to cover it.” 

Emma shrugs off her green jacket, the one Alyssa’s never seen her without, and hands it to her. Alyssa stares at it before slowly taking it. The material is rougher than what Alyssa expected it to be; worn. 

“Are you sure?”

Emma nods, “Yeah, what are friends for?”

Friends? They’re friends now?

Alyssa slides the jacket on, turning to look at herself in the mirror. The jacket is bigger on her, hangs lower on her hips than what it does Emma, but she loves it. It smells a lot like Emma, too; some bath and body perfume that’s a little sweet.

“I’ll give this back to you at the end of the day.”

Emma waves her hand, like it’s no big deal. She shrugs, slides her hands into the pockets of her jeans. She looks different without the jacket, acts a little more awkward like now she doesn’t know what to do with her hands; her cheeks a little redder.

The bell rings and Emma jumps. Alyssa swallows, slides her hands in the pockets of Emma’s jacket.

“Thank you.” She says.

Emma grins, “I’ll see you later, Alyssa.”

Alyssa watches her leave before turning back to the sink. Her reflection stares back at her, cheeks a little red, but Emma’s jacket hangs nicely off her shoulders. 

She thinks about trying to say the words again. 

She doesn’t.

~

Emma’s fingers move quickly up the neck of the guitar as she uses her right hand to pluck the strings. She’s sitting on an old amplifier in the band closet, guitar pick between her lips as she reads over sheet music. Alyssa hugs Emma’s jacket closer to her; she could stand there and watch her for the rest of the day, but at some point that would just get weird, so instead she knocks twice on the door. 

Emma turns, guitar pick still held between her lips, but smiles. 

“Hey,” She holds the pick between her fingers, “I didn’t expect to see you for the rest of the day.”

Alyssa takes a step into the small space, “I figured that you might want this back.”

Emma takes the jacket from her, setting it on top of her backpack. 

“Anyone riot about the new school color?”

She’s teasing and Alyssa feels her shoulders relax. It was stupid of her to be nervous in the first place. 

“Only a little bit.” Emma frowns and Alyssa folds her arms behind her back, “Ten laps around the field.”

“Ouch.”

Alyssa shrugs, “Could’ve been worse.” 

Emma nods and a quiet falls around them. Alyssa’s eyes ghost over Emma’s guitar and the sheet music in front of her. Emma opens her mouth to say something; Alyssa panics.

“What are you working on?”

Her voice is too pitchy for the space between them, but Emma smiles. It seems sort of thankful.

“Just a song I’ve been trying to learn for a little bit.”

Alyssa smiles, “Planning on auditioning for the Christmas talent show?”

Emma laughs. Alyssa’s stomach swoops.

“Oh, god no. I’m never doing that again.”

Alyssa leans against the wall, “Why? You were, like, awesome.”

Emma blushes. Alyssa’s heart thuds.

“I-No, it was so bad.”

Alyssa laughs, “Awesomely bad.”

The air shifts again, the awkwardness coming back as Emma looks back toward her sheet music. Alyssa feels like she’s overstaying her welcome.

“Hey, do-”

Alyssa cuts her off, “I better let you get back to practicing. I’ll see you later, Emma.”

Emma pauses before nodding again. She smiles.

“See you later.”

Alyssa turns and walks out of the band closet. She doesn’t think about what Emma was going to say. She doesn’t. She rounds the corner between the library and the back exit toward the parking lot replaying the way Emma’s fingers had moved up the neck of the guitar. 

“Woah.”

Alyssa lets out a small ‘oof’ as she runs into something solid. Someone.

“You okay, Greene?”

Greg moves his hands from her elbows to the pockets of his jeans. He’s a total Corbin Blue wanna be. 

“Ye-Yeah, sorry.”

She can feel her cheeks growing red. She should’ve been paying attention.

“No worries.” He smiles down at her, with that crooked grin that most girls on the cheer team swoon over. Greg isn’t like Nick or any of the other guys on the football team, he’s actually nice. “Hey, are you going to Kaylee’s Friday?”

Alyssa has to go; it’s a mandatory cheerleader party. 

“Yeah, are you?”

He nods, “Yeah, I’ll see you there?”

She nods and his grin widens. 

“See you later, Greene.”

He steps around her and disappears down the hall. 

~

The bass from inside Shelby’s house booms heavy in Alyssa’s chest. It feels like it’s causing her anxiety to heighten just a little bit more with every hit of the beat. She holds tight onto the porch railing, watching her knuckles turn white. She tells herself to breathe just a little bit more. 

Emma’s somewhere in the house, glued to Kaylee’s side and probably laughing at whatever the crowd of football players are doing. 

“Do you always hang out on the outskirts of parties?”

Alyssa turns to see Greg stepping out onto the porch, sliding the door closed behind him. He grins at her, red solo cup in his hand. It makes him look cooler than he already does in his letterman and dark jeans. 

“Parties aren’t really my thing.” She answers, turning to lean against the railing. 

He nods, shuffles forward to stand in front of her.

“Mine either to be honest.” He looks around quickly before leaning forward a bit, “Don’t tell anyone, but in my cup is only water.”

He tips the cup forward to show her the clear contents inside. She smiles. 

“Your secret is safe with me.”

“I figured it would be.” 

There’s something in his voice that wavers just a little. It makes the knot in Alyssa’s stomach tighten. Can he tell? Is it that obvious that-

“You played good tonight.” Her voice rises, inwardly making her cringe. God, she’s so embarrassing. “Despite that we lost and everything. You scored a couple of touchdowns, right? Number nine? That was you?”

He nods, “Yeah, that was me.” He shifts his weight, grins at her, “Thanks for noticing.”

Talking to Greg is easy; almost natural. It makes Alyssa think that maybe; just maybe things with guys could actually work out. Maybe not all guys but Greg. Him and Alyssa can carry on conversation easy enough and he makes her laugh which is a lot better than any of her past boyfriends. (All two of them). Maybe things didn’t work out with the others because they’re not Greg. Maybe she’s actually straight. 

The door slides open again and Emma steps out on the porch. Her cheeks are flushed from the heat inside and she shoots Alyssa that soft, cute smile that Alyssa’s growing used to seeing, and-

Alyssa’s so not straight. 

It could never work out with Greg even if she tried. It’ll never work out with her and guys. She’s not wired that way. When is she going to accept that? 

“Oh, hey, Greg.”

“Nolan,” He hums, tone light and friendly. “I heard that y’all blew the socks off of Livingston tonight.”

Emma shrugs, smiles nonetheless. “It wasn’t a competition.”

Alyssa tries to look away from Emma and at Greg, but she can’t force herself to. 

His grin widens, “Everything’s a competition during football season.”

She playfully rolls her eyes, “Yeah, yeah. Nick’s looking for you to be his beer pong partner.”

“You didn’t want to be Kaylee’s?”

Emma’s nose scrunches in disgust, “Drinking isn’t really my thing.”

“Well, I’ll be sure to make Kevin drink extra for the both of us.” He turns back to Alyssa, “Duty calls. I’ll talk to you later?”

Alyssa quickly looks away from Emma and at him. 

“Yeah, have fun.”

The door shuts quietly behind him. Emma quickly turns back to her, grinning.

“You two looked pretty cozy.”

Alyssa’s cheeks burn, “Oh, no, me and Greg are just friends.” Emma’s eyebrows raise like she almost doesn’t believe her. Alyssa quickly steps forward, “Have you thought anymore about the Christmas talent show?”

Alyssa frowns at her own question. Nice way to bring up something completely off topic, Idiot.

Emma nods, “Actually, yeah.”

She feels her stomach knot in excitement at the way Emma’s cheeks darken. She could get used to making Emma blush. 

“Really?”

“After you said how good you thought I was it made me think about giving the whole live singing thing another shot.”

Alyssa’s cheeks hurt from how hard she’s smiling. 

“What are friends for, right?”

Emma smiles, “Yeah, right.”

Alyssa’s stomach flutters, and yeah, there’s no way a guy could come close to how she feels about Emma.

~

Being friends with Emma Nolan is different than what Alyssa expected. There’s no sudden shift where the two of them are attached to the hip, sitting in Alyssa’s bedroom telling each other their deepest darkest secrets.

No.

They still exist in the same social circle. Emma still talks more to Kaylee than anyone else. The only real shift that happens is that Emma and her sit next to each other in class, and Emma texts her daily chemistry memes.

**Emma: i think there should be a meme about the peanut brittle accident.**

Alyssa rolls her eyes, _ Shut up, _ She types back. _ I’m never going to live that down, am I? _

The three dots appear quickly. Alyssa closes out her messages to Emma, waiting for the text back. Her phone dings half a minute later. 

**Emma: nope :)**

~

Alyssa blinks at herself in the mirror, hair knotted and loose around her shoulders. She taps her fingers against the sink. 

_ I can do this. I can do this. I can. _

“I’m-” The word catches in her throat, stick, “I’m-”

She shakes her head, the tears roll down her cheeks. Not yet. She’s not ready yet.

She turns the lights off and goes back to her room. 

~

“What’s up with that sticker?”

Alyssa points to the one on Emma’s notebook. It’s a yellow badge with a small badger on it. She’s seen it before at Target on various things, but she never really thought about it. 

“It’s a Hufflepuff badge.”

Emma says it with a little more pride in her voice that Alyssa didn’t expect; almost like she’s daring Alyssa to make fun of it.

“What’s a Hufflepuff?”

Emma cracks a small smile, glancing up from her Chemistry homework. Alyssa ignores the burn in her cheeks.

“You’ve seen that musical, too?”

Alyssa frowns, “Musical?”

Emma blinks at her. She glances around the classroom, but the others are either working on the same assignment as them or asleep. Alyssa’s jealous of the ones that can sleep during class. 

“You’ve never watched Harry Potter?”

Alyssa shakes her head.

“No, have you met my mother? She completely boycotted it when I was little. She said that J.R. Kowling was the devil and that the movies were the antichrist.”

Emma snorts, “It’s J.K. Rowling, but you need to be educated. What are you doing Saturday? I bet we can watch at least 1-3 then.”

Alyssa’s stomach flutters. Is Emma really asking her to hang out without Kaylee or the others?

“I’d have to ask my Mom.” She says lamely. 

God, she’s such a loser. 

“Okay, tell her we’re watching something different like marathoning the Golden Girls, or something like that.”

Alyssa wonders if she should tell Emma that her Mom thinks Blanche is a harlet.

~

“So what’d you tell your Mom?”

Emma sets the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. It’s a little too early to be having popcorn, but Alyssa ignores her mom’s nagging voice in the back of her head as she reaches for a handful. 

“That we were studying for the ACT.” She tucks her sock covered feet underneath her, “You might be her new favorite person.”

Emma hums, “I doubt it. Your mom seems kind of intense.”

Alyssa snorts, “You don’t know the half of it.”

Alyssa hears Emma’s grandma close a cabinet loudly from the kitchen. She now knows where Emma gets her nice streak from. Alyssa’s pretty sure she’s never met a nicer person in Edgewater, Indiana.

“Ready for your life to be changed forever?”

Alyssa rolls her eyes, chews on her popcorn. Emma grins at her, raising her eyebrows.

“Heads up, I’m going to ask questions.”

Emma presses play, “Can’t wait.

Their hands never brush when they reach for popcorn, and Emma never fakes a yawn to wrap her arm around Alyssa’s shoulders. Alyssa doesn’t really expect anything to happen, but a small (big) part of her hoped that something would. It’s that growing anticipation of being around your crush and wanting nothing more than for them to want you back. It’s something that Alyssa’s never felt before, but now she gets why everyone always makes such a big deal about it. 

Emma’s patient with her throughout the movies; putting up with all her comments and questions. 

“What do you mean Dumbledore’s a nice guy?”

“There’s no way that’s health code.”

“How come students never get lost? Or, like, sick from the constant moving of the staircases?”

The fourth movie credits roll down the screen. Alyssa leans back, closer to Emma this time. It causes their shoulders to brush. 

“Cedric deserved better.”

Emma nods, “Yeah.”

She keeps her eyes focused on the T.V. Alyssa thinks that maybe she’s trying not to cry. 

“There’s no way that Harry really liked Cho either.”

Emma finally looks at her, “What? He so did.” She picks up the remote to scroll down the DVR list, stopping on the fifth movie, “It’s literally foreshadowed in the first scene on the train.”

Alyssa shrugs, “Him and Hermione have way too much chemistry to not get together.”

“Oh, you’re in for a long ride.”

Emma hits play. Alyssa blushes when their shoulders brush again.

~

“Holy shit! My mom is Umbridge!”

Emma doesn’t stop laughing.

~

They spend the next two weekends finishing the entire Harry Potter series plus the three different musicals on YouTube. It’s nice and Emma’s grandma’s house is so warm and loving that it makes Alyssa not to want ever leave. It’s almost like her house is the Dursley’s and Emma’s is Hogwarts. It sucks, but Emma texts her until they both fall asleep, so there’s a little warmth that follows her home.

Between Emma and cheer practice there’s Greg, who’s still hanging on strong. Alyssa and him are almost something close to best friends with how much they hang out after school on Thursdays. He’s nice and hasn’t made a move on her yet, and Alyssa’s never been more thankful.

“Honestly, how are you two not dating yet?” Shelby leans closer to the mirror hanging up on the inside of her locker door. She traces her thumb along the edge of her bottom lip, wiping away a smudge from her lip gloss. 

Alyssa sighs, hugs her books closer to her chest. “Because Greg and I are just friends.”

Kaylee giggles, “There’s no way.” She looks back at the group of football players hanging out by the water fountain. Alyssa follows her gaze, watching Greg tip his head back, laughing at Nick. “You’re on the cheer squad and he’s star _ running back _. There’s no way that you two are just friends.”

“There is a way because we are.” Alyssa catches Emma’s eyes down the hall. Emma stops and waves. Alyssa pushes off the locker, “I’m going to Chemistry before you two start that rumor.”

Shelby smirks, “You not being here won’t keep that rumor from going around.”

Kaylee laughs, nudges Shelby with her elbow. Alyssa rolls her eyes but smiles at them as she makes her way toward Emma. She really hopes that they don’t spread that rumor.

“Alyssa, there you are.”

Her mom steps in front of her, stony look on her face. Alyssa shoots Emma an apologetic look over her mom’s shoulder. Emma shrugs before heading down the hall toward chemistry. 

“Mom, what are you doing here? Isn’t the PTA meeting after school?”

Mrs. Greene turns Alyssa around, wraps her arm around her shoulders. Alyssa quietly falls into step next to her, heading back down the hall toward the front entrance.

“I came to talk to your counselor about signing up for the ACT. He told me that you changed your ACT prep class for next semester to an extra gym class.”

Alyssa feels the panic settle in her chest. Oh, no, here comes the rant.

“Y-Yeah, I figured it would be good for me with cheerleading, and-”

They stop at the double doors leading to the visitors parking lot. Mrs. Greene holds her hand up and Alyssa quickly shuts her mouth. 

“I changed it back.”

Of course she did. Alyssa knew that this is where the conversation was heading. 

“But, Mom, next year is just junior year, and we’re actually doing cheerleading competitions and-”

“No back talk.” Mrs. Greene fixes her with a warning look. “You’re taking the ACT prep class and that’s final. You need to raise your ACT score.”

Alyssa’s been taking the ACT since freshman year. 

“Yes, ma’am.”

Mrs. Greene nods, “Okay, now go back into that counselor’s office and get everything cleared and all worked out. I’ll see you at the meeting.”

She brushes past her and out the door without another word. Alyssa breathes slowly before heading back down the hall to the counselor’s office. 

~

Alyssa tosses her backpack down on the floor of the band room. Emma frowns. 

“Why do you seem so tense?”

Alyssa puffs her cheeks out before letting the breath out slowly. 

“Because my mom changed my schedule for next semester and now I’m taking this dumb class that i don’t need or _ want _, and everyone thinks that me and Greg are dating, or that we should be dating, but I have chemistry with you and-” Alyssa freezes. Emma raises her eyebrows like she’s waiting for Alyssa to finish her rant. Alyssa feels all the anger she had in her deflate, “class with you. I have chemistry class with you and I missed today which doesn’t make me feel any better.”

Emma gives her an easy smile, “Oh, Dude, don’t worry about missing class. I have the notes right here.” She rummages through her backpack before pulling out her binder, “Here. There’s one thing to cross off the stress list.”

Alyssa sits next to her, “Thanks.”

She takes the binder. Emma shifts around in her chair to turn toward her more. 

“So, do you like Greg like that?”

Alyssa flips through Emma’s notes until she finds the set with the right date. Alyssa folds her legs to use them as a makeshift desk.

“What, no?”

Emma’s eyebrows furrow, “Does he know that?”

“I’m pretty sure.” Alyssa fishes her pencil out of her backpack. “He hasn’t tried anything and I keep calling him buddy, so I think it’s pretty clear.”

Emma laughs, leaning back in the chair, “You’ve been calling him buddy? Ouch, that’s like definite friendzone.”

Alyssa laughs, jots down a couple of notes in her notebook. 

“I just don’t want to lead him on or anything.”

Emma nods. Alyssa starts copying down the notes. 

“Oh, yeah, because you have chemistry with me, right?”

Alyssa snaps her head up to look at her. Emma grins at her, too big and almost mischief like. Her tone is teasing and her eyes shine like she just said the best joke ever. Alyssa rolls her eyes; tries to will away the blush from her cheeks.

“Shut up.”

Emma laughs. 

~

Alyssa stares at herself. She wipes her hands on the hem of her shirt. Her hair is pulled up in a messy bun. She sucks in a breath through her nose and releases it out her mouth. Her chest doesn’t feel heavy tonight. She’s not crying, not yet at least. Her hands fall to her side. 

“I’m,” Breathe, “I’m gay.”

Her cheeks are wet, she grips onto the sink. The invisible knot in her chest loosens. 

“I’m gay.”

A small laugh escapes around the lump in her throat and out her lips. 

“I’m gay.”

She didn’t know that saying it out loud to herself would feel this good. Alyssa lets out a sob, lets herself crumble to the bathroom floor. The guilt that unwinds itself from within her causes her to feel less like she’s suffocating.

She doesn’t remember the last time she’s felt this free. 

~

There’s something about being able to admit who you are to yourself that immediately makes you want to shout it to the world. It must be the adrenaline, or the intense feeling of _ finally _accepting who you are. Whatever it is hits Alyssa harder than any previous insult or repression she pushed on herself. It’s freeing in a way that makes her cry even more than she thought was possible. 

She reaches for her phone, immediately finding Emma’s name in her contacts. She stares at the call button, chewing on her bottom lip. She could just call Emma and tell her everything; let it all of her chest. She can’t though. 

Not yet. 

~

Alyssa walks down the hall at school the next week with her chin held a little higher. There’s this confidence that comes with acceptance. She doesn’t feel that guilty, suffocating weight that was once in her chest. The guilty thoughts are still there in the back of her mind, but she refuses to believe them.

~

“But _ Seventeen Again _ is so much better than _ High School Musical _.” Greg chews on a fry, reaching for his coke. 

Alyssa laughs, “Zac Efron was cooler in _ Seventeen Again _ than HSM.”

Greg finishes off his drink, “Totally, plus the basketball is so much better.”

Alyssa nods. A comfortable silence falls around them; Alyssa’s been getting used to it. She doesn’t feel like she has to constantly keep the conversation going. 

She feels the sudden want to say the words out loud to someone that’s not her reflection. It’s like this constant longing now to say the words out loud for anyone who will listen. She knots her fingers into her jeans, the anxiety swirls in her stomach. 

“Hey, Greg?”

Greg looks up from his phone, “What’s up?”

“We’re friends, right? Like friends who talk to each other about stuff?”

He frowns, “Yeah, I was hoping so anyway?”

She nods, “Okay, cool,” She clears her throat, clenches and unclenches her jaw. “I’m gay.”

It almost feels heavier now that she’s admitting it to another person. She’s giving Greg all the opportunity in the world to judge her, shun her and push her away, but it also feels comforting. She’s saying who she really is outloud to an actual breathing person. She’s brave enough to do that. 

“Okay,” A slow smile plays across his lips, “cool. Thank you for telling me.”  
She nods, “Thanks for listening.”

He looks back at his phone. She turns back to look out the window. Her skin is buzzing and her chest warm. She told someone and wasn’t immediately stoned to death. She can tell people and them be okay with it.

“Hey, Alyssa?”

“Yeah?” 

She turns back to him. He’s crying. 

“I’m gay.”

Her own eyes start to burn. She smiles, leaning forward to hug him. 

“Thank you so much for telling me.”

They hold each other tight. Alyssa feels Greg’s body shake as he cries and buries his face in her shoulder. She clings onto him, letting him know he’s not alone.

She’s not alone. She’s not the only one. 

~

Attending church the next morning almost feels like a setback. 

Almost. 

Alyssa doesn’t cry during service, or pray longer during the altar calls. 

She flips through the pages in her bible and closes it without hesitation. 

The guilt still builds in her stomach, tries to creep it’s way slowly back up into her body. She pushes it down, breathes. Reminds herself that she was born this way. 

Her being gay is okay. 

She can’t help how she feels, or who she feels things for. She’s starting to accept that.

~

Kaylee laughs along with Shelby at Emma’s story. Alyssa munches on her carrots, finding Greg’s eyes across the cafeteria. He smiles, nods his head toward Emma. 

“You asked her yet?” He mouths. 

She rolls her eyes, shakes her head. His smile widens as he wiggles his eyebrows at her. Shelby looks over her shoulder, catching Greg’s eyes. He quickly looks away. 

“You and Greg are so flirting!”

The conversation at their table stops. Alyssa feels her cheeks burn as everyone’s eyes fall on her. Alyssa locks eyes with Emma who quickly looks away from her. 

“We’re not flirting.” Alyssa says more to Emma than anyone else. She quickly looks at Kaylee then Shelby, “We’re having a friendly conversation across the lunchroom.”

Kaylee hums, “It sure looks like it.”

Alyssa rolls her eyes, focuses back on her lunch. Emma doesn’t say anything to her for the rest of the day. It stings. 

“Hey,” Greg bumps his shoulder against hers, spins to lean against the locker next to hers. “Have you asked her yet?”

Alyssa sighs, “No, she hasn’t even talked to me since Shelby announced that you and me were flirting during lunch,”

Greg frowns, “Have you tried?”

“No.” Alyssa closes her locker, “Besides, there’s no way she even likes me that way.”

He grins, “With the way she looks at you, she definitely sees you as more than a friend.”

“Don’t get my hopes up.”

He shakes his head, turns her around to face the band closet.

“I’m not. Now go.”

“Greg,” She turns around, but he just points down the hall, “okay, okay, I’m going.”

“Text me later!”

Alyssa stops at the band closet door. She hears Emma playing the guitar faintly on the other side. Alyssa knocks twice before pushing open the door. Emma looks at her over her shoulder. Alyssa gives her a small, nervous smile.

“Hey.”

Emma sets her guitar down, “Hi.”

Alyssa folds her hands behind her back, “Why does it feel like we’re fighting?”

Emma frowns, turns to face her more. Alyssa’s heart is in her throat. 

“We’re not fighting?”

Alyssa furrows her eyebrows, “Then why have you been avoiding me since lunch?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” Emma argues. Alyssa raises her eyebrows, watching Emma’s resolve slowly break. Emma sighs, pushes her glasses back up her nose. “It’s just, you told me that you didn’t like Greg _ like _that.”

Alyssa’s stomach knots. _ Oh. _

Was Emma jealous? Does she actually have feelings for Alyssa? Is she just upset that Alyssa and her are friends, and Alyssa didn’t tell her? 

“I don’t, Em, I already told you that.”

Emma clenches her jaw, “Shelby and Kaylee seem to think otherwise.”

Alyssa sits next to her on the old amplifier. Emma’s eyebrows are knitted together, and the hurt expression on her face makes Alyssa’s stomach knot with guilt. 

“They don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“They seem, too.”

Alyssa shrugs, “But they don’t.”

Emma sighs, grips the edge of the amp. Alyssa doesn’t look away from her; can’t force herself to. 

“I’m sorry for overreacting. It’s just you and I have gotten really close and I just-”

Emma’s doing that weird thing where she has word vomit and is about to spend the next fifteen minutes talking herself around in circles, so Alyssa reaches out and covers Emma’s mouth with her hand.

“Emma, it’s okay,” Alyssa pulls her hand away, nervously folds them in her lap. Her heart drums in her chest. “I have chemistry with you, remember?”

She prays that Emma gets the meaning behind her words. 

“Oh, oh,” Emma awkwardly rubs the back of her neck, “yeah, right.”

Alyssa holds her breath as she watches a slow grin spread across Emma’s lips. She feels some of the tension leave her body.

“Cool.” Emma repeats. 

Alyssa can’t help but grin back at her. 

~

Things shift between them. 

Not in a romantic way, but in a friendship way. It’s nice and makes Alyssa feel like she’s finally connecting with someone in a way that she’s never been able to before. It’s almost like a missing part of her has been filled. 

She lets herself open up. It never occurred to her how much she was holding herself back when it came to initiating physical contact with her friends; with anyone. How many times had she avoided Kaylee leaning her head on her shoulder; or opted out of hugs from Shelby? 

She was denying herself so much freedom. 

She doesn’t deny herself that with Emma. 

Emma’s still a little shy, but Alyssa likes that Emma will lean her forehead on her shoulder in the band closet after studying all lunch, or how she’ll let Alyssa hug her goodbye before she leaves the Nolan’s house on Saturdays. It’s nice and comforting, and _ freeing _. 

It makes her feel the most normal she’s ever felt. 

~

Alyssa’s three pages deep into her History study guide when her phone rings. 

“Greg, I’m trying to study.”

There’s heavy breathing on his side of the phone. He clears his throat a couple of times. Alyssa shifts, sits straighter in her bed. 

“Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“You need to call Emma.”

Alyssa frowns, “What? Why?”

Her answer comes in the form of Shelby texting the cheerleader group message. 

**Shelby: Emma Nolan is a huge L-E-S-B-O. Better watch out, Ladies.**

“Alyssa?” Greg’s voice shakes, “Did they text you, too?”

Alyssa feels like crying.

“I have to go to Emma’s. I-” The lump in her throat expands. Alyssa’s breath stutters, “I gotta go.”

Her phone vibrates in her hand as she hurries down the stairs into her kitchen. Mrs. Greene looks up from the table. 

“Alyssa, are you okay?”

Alyssa swallows, “Ye-Yeah, can I have the car? Kaylee’s having a freak out emergency and needs me.”

Mrs. Greene purses her lips, “It’s a school night and finals are coming-”

“Mom, please.” Alyssa crosses her fingers, prays that her mom lets her go, “Please.”

She sighs, glances back down at her planner. Alyssa prays a little more.

“Okay, but your curfew is ten.”

Alyssa steps forward, throwing her arms around Mrs. Greene, “Thank you, Momma.”

Mrs. Greene hugs her back just as tight. Alyssa holds on a few minutes more.

~

Mrs. Nolan answers the door with red-rimmed eyes, but she looks relieved when she realizes it’s Alyssa. Alyssa blinks back her own tears, tightens her grip on the plastic bag in her hand. 

“I’m so happy you’re here.” She pulls Alyssa into a tight, warm hug. It takes Alyssa everything in her to not break down crying in her arms. “She really needs you right now.”

Her voice is hoarse, but wavering as she tries to be strong for her granddaughter. Alyssa’s breathing is shaky as she nods. 

“I would’ve been here sooner, but I had to make a pit stop.”

She swings the plastic gas station bag back and forth. Mrs. Nolan smiles softly. 

“She’s in her room.”

Alyssa heads down the hall to Emma’s room. She waits a half minute before knocking. 

“Gran, I really wanna be alone right-” The door opens and Emma stops mid sentence. Frozen. She blinks at Alyssa. “What are you doing here?”

Alyssa holds the bag up, forces a smile. Emma’s frown deepens as she stares at her.

“I heard that chocolate makes everything better.”

That gets a small smile out of her. She shuffles away from the door; Alyssa follows her into the room. Emma’s room always felt warm and cozy, but tonight it’s a little darker and colder. Alyssa longs for that warmth; for Emma to be okay. 

“Reese's or Hershey kisses?”

Emma flops back onto her bed. She won’t look at Alyssa. Alyssa can’t look away from her, though, she feels the awkwardness rising up around her. What does she say? Why can’t she just come up with the right words?

“Reese's are fine.” Emma finally answers. 

Alyssa opens the pack of mini Reese's before setting it between them on the bed. She tucks her legs underneath her. 

“Shelby texted me.”

Emma snorts, “I’m surprised it wasn’t Kaylee.”

Alyssa stares at the bag of candy. 

“Did you tell her?”

Emma nods, reaches forward to grab a piece of chocolate. 

“Yeah.”

Of course Kaylee was the one that Emma told. They were too close for Emma not not want to share a big secret like that with her. Alyssa can’t stop herself from feeling hurt by that. _ Why didn’t you tell me _, she wants to ask, but doesn’t. This is about Emma and how she’s feeling. She’s the one that got outed. Not Alyssa. Emma. Emma’s the one that’s going to have to deal with everyone’s comments and bullying; not Alyssa. 

“I thought I could trust her. I felt like-” Emma’s voice cracks, and tears start to fall. Alyssa quickly moves to sit next to her, but Emma flinches away. Emma wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand, “She made me feel like she wouldn’t judge me for it. THat she could just keep the secret.”

Alyssa swallows, fights back her own tears. Her own heart’s breaking for Emma. 

“Emma, I’m so sorry.”

Emma shakes her head, “She didn’t even wait a full day to tell someone. Do you know what she told me when I texted her?” Emmad doesn’t give Alyssa enough time to answer, “She said that this was too big of a secret for her to keep. That the ‘weight’ was too much. I mean, what kind of lame ass excuse is that? The weight was too much for her? She’s not the one that’s been fucking carrying it around forever; she has no idea what this weight feels like.”

Just as quickly as the anger crosses Emma’s features it’s gone; replaced again by the heartbreak. 

“This isn’t how I wanted everyone to find out.”

Alyssa does move this time, quickly leaning forward and hugging Emma. Emma buries her face into Alyssa’s shoulder; her entire body shaking with sobs. Alyssa squeezes her eyes shuts, tries to wish away Emma’s pain. 

“This isn’t how I wanted you to find out. I-I was going to tell you.” Emma pulls away, suddenly sounding breathless, “I-I-”

Alyssa shakes her head, brushes Emma’s hair out of her face. 

“Hey, I know, I know. Breathe, Emma, just breathe.” Emma squeezes her eyes shut. Alyssa breathes slowly until Emma’s breathing matches hers. “You don’t owe me anything. If you never wanted to tell me you wouldn’t have had to, okay?”

Alyssa wipes the tears from her cheeks. Emma breathes slowly in and out. Alyssa breathes with her, watches Emma’s eyes slowly flutter open. She tilts her head, doesn’t look away from Alyssa.

“Why are you here?”

She pulls away from Alyssa like she’s waiting for the hat to drop and Alyssa to yell and scream at her like everyone else will.

“I didn’t want you to be by yourself.” Alyssa folds her hands in her lap, “You don’t deserve to go through this alone.”

Emma swallows, “I-Thanks.”

“We’re friends, Emma, friends help each other through things like this.” Alyssa clears her throat, her chest tightens. “You can tell me now if you want.”

Emma’s eyebrows furrow, “What?”

“If you want to come out to me and tell me now you can. Only if you want to.”

“Oh.” 

Emma looks down at her lap. Alyssa feels like she’s crossed some line she hasn’t. She shifts, ready to change the subject when Emma looks back up at her. There’s this new found determination in her eyes. 

“Alyssa,” Emma breathes slowly, “I’m gay.”

Alyssa smiles, lets the small laugh, wipes her own tears from her eyes. 

“Thank you for telling me. Do you want to watch Netflix now?”

Emma nods, “Please?”

Alyssa shifts to lean back against the headboard of Emma’s bed. She scoots closer, holds her arms out. She’s a little surprised when Emma lets her cuddle close to her. 

~

The week after Emma’s outed is the longest week of Alyssa’s life, but she knows it feels even longer for Emma. Whoever lied and said that people were more accepting in 2019 had obviously never visited Edgewater, Indiana. Various slurs are thrown around the halls. They make Alyssa flinch and Emma cower into herself a little more with every insult. Alyssa does her best to contain the cheerleaders, the only backlash to her face are the glares from Kaylee and Shelby. She ignores them for the most part, trying her best to ease protect Emma in anyway she can. 

“How long do you think it’ll last?”

Greg tugs on the strap of his backpack, leans toward her. His eyes are dark underneath, Alyssa knows this is bothering him just as much as it is her. She sighs, closes her locker. 

“I don’t know, but it needs to end soon.”

Alyssa doesn’t know how much more Emma can take. She puts on a brave face in the halls, but Alyssa knows it’s just an act. Emma didn’t do anything wrong besides be herself. Why does that make her have the target on her back?

He nods, “The guys aren’t listening to me.”

Football players suck.

Alyssa watches Emma duck down the hall toward the band closet. She hasn’t gone to the cafeteria since the day Shelby called out Alyssa and Greg for ‘flirting’.

“Just keep trying, okay? There has to be some way to stop this.”

~

“Any big after Homecoming plans?”

Alyssa drums her pencil against her notebook. Emma doesn’t look up from her math homework. From the living room, Alyssa hears Mrs. Nolan fast forward through the commercials to finish watching _ General Hospital _.

“_ Great British Bake Off _marathon.”

“You’re not going to the dance?”

Emma looks up to lock eyes with her, and Alyssa wants to kick herself. Of course, Emma’s not going to the dance. She wouldn’t make herself a target like that. 

“Right, dumb question, sorry.”

Emma shrugs, “It’s okay.” Alyssa looks back down at her homework, the tips of her ears burn. Emma clears her throat, “Um, are you going with anyone?”

Alyssa crosses her feet underneath the table, taps her pencil against her notebook again. 

“Greg and I are going together.” She shifts in the chair. Emma nods, turns back to her textbook. “As friends. Greg and I are only friends.”

Emma’s eyebrows furrow at her, “I know you've told me before.”

“I just feel like no one ever believes me.”

“I do.” Emma shrugs, a teasing smile plays across her lips. “Do you think you’ll win Homecoming Queen?”

“Nah, definitely not.”

Emma’s smile grows. Underneath the table their feet brush. 

“Why not? The whole school votes on it, and you’re like the most popular girl in school.” She folds her arms on the table, leans forward, “Everyone knows who Alyssa Greene is.”

That hits Alyssa. Everyone at school knows who she is, sure, but no one _ really _knows her. Except maybe Greg. 

Emma’s smiling at her like she’s waiting for Alyssa to make some smartass comment back. Alyssa quickly recovers. 

“Are you saying that you voted for me, Nolan?”

Emma shrugs, leans back, “You’ll just have to wait until Friday to find out.”

~

Alyssa wins Homecoming Queen and celebrates by sending Emma a selfie. 

**Emma Nolan: told you ;)**

Alyssa spends the rest of her night texting Emma and dancing with Greg. When she gets home well past her curfew her mom hugs her and tells her how proud of her she is. Alyssa pretends she doesn’t see her walk over to the refrigerator and cross through one of her goals she wrote for Alyssa all those years ago. 

~

Christmas break comes around and Alyssa spends over half of it texting Emma everyday. It starts with a meme competition and somehow shifts to Emma sending Alyssa pictures of her new haircut, and Alyssa sending her snapchats of the Christmas lights she has hung up in her room. There’s always a feeling of something more between their texts. It makes Alyssa’s stomach flip and her cheeks blush whenever she thinks about it. 

~

Emma comes back from break more herself than Alyssa’s ever seen her. She doesn’t duck her head, or try to blend in when she walks down the hall. She holds her head high and meets everyone’s insults with witty remarks that raises more eyebrows then it gets more insults thrown. Alyssa’s never been more amazed by her, and really everything Emma does amazes her. She also feels a little envious. Alyssa’s still holding back so much. 

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

Alyssa blinks. Emma smiles at her, sets the trophies on the shelf across from them. 

“What?”

She looks like she bites back a laugh, “You’ve been staring at me for the past ten minutes. I can’t really tell what you’re thinking.”

Alyssa feels antsy.

“How do you do it?”

Emma frowns, “You just pick up the trophy and then set it on the shelf?”

Alyssa rolls her eyes and Emma laughs this time. She can’t help but smile at how at ease Emma feels around her now. Like she’s not holding herself back. 

Alyssa’s so tired of feeling like she’s holding herself back. 

“No, how do you become brave enough to be _ you _?”

“Oh,” Emma shifts her weight, pushes her glasses back up her nose. “Do you not feel like you’re being yourself?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Emma sighs, “I just got tired of hiding. It’s exhausting.”

Alyssa nods. She gets it. Of course she gets it. Accepting yourself is freeing and makes you feel light, but still keeping that to yourself wears you down.

“I feel like I’ve been hiding myself for so long that I don’t know how not to.”

Alyssa feels two feet tall. 

“So take some baby steps and test the waters. Just take a small step to be the Alyssa Greene you want to be.” Emma shrugs, “You don’t have to cut your hair or change how you dress or anything, but just do one small thing that you really want to do. Something you’ve been holding back from.”

Alyssa lets Emma’s words wash over her. 

_ Just do one small thing that you’ve been holding back from _.

She looks at Emma. Something she’s been holding back from. Alyssa doesn’t think twice. She crosses the band closet in two steps, reaching forward to cup Emma’s face in her hands. She squeezes her eyes shut and leans in. 

She kisses her.

Alyssa Greene kisses Emma Nolan. 

And, God, Why did she wait so long to kiss a girl? To kiss Emma? Why the hell did she keep denying herself this amazing thing?If she knew that kissing a girl-kissing _ someone _ she actually has feelings for would feel this would she would have done it long before now. 

It’s rough and a little sloppy because Emma’s mouth might have been open when Alyssa had leaned in, but this feels to Alyssa what a first kiss was meant to feel like. Her stomach twists and flutters with butterflies, and she feels that electricity that Kaylee said she felt once run through her. And when Emma reaches out to wrap her arms around Alyssa’s waist it almost feels exhilarating. 

Alyssa slowly pulls away, letting her nose brush against Emma’s. Emma breathes heavily, tightens her grip on Alyssa’s waist like she’s scared Alyssa will run away. 

“That’s-” Emma swallows, clears her throat, “That’s something you’ve been holding yourself back from?”

Alyssa nods, hums. “Yeah, I have chemistry with you, remember?”

“Oh,” Emma blinks, pulls away a little. Alyssa laughs at the dopey look on her face. “That’s what you meant? That was your way of telling me you liked me?”

Alyssa nods, laces her hands behind Emma’s neck. God, being this close to her feels good. It’s even better than Alyssa imagined. 

“I didn’t know if you felt the same way.”

Emma shakes her head, that dumb dorky grin that Alyssa loves makes it’s way across her lips. Alyssa wants to kiss it away. 

“Of course I like you.” She says, reaching up to brush her thumb across Alyssa’s cheek. “You’re Alyssa.”

Alyssa feels like she could take on the world. 

“So, that checks all the boxes?” Emma nods and Alyssa playfully rolls her eyes, “I think we have a lot to talk about though”

Emma’s eyes flicker down to her lips, “Yeah, can I kiss you again first?”

Alyssa kisses her first. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you again for reading! I love these two and will forever be salty that the show closed way too soon. 
> 
> Tumblr: abucketofwigs


End file.
